Shiver

Hiya! Here as requested. Okay, lets get started:

It came back to haunt me yet again
When I saw the corpse beside the sad family.
This is going to happen to me one day;I think there should be a semicolon here. Not completely sure, but I think.
I’ll just fade into non-existence.


Thoughts of an afterlife enter my mind.So, you speak of an afterlife, but then drift on to another subject. Maybe you should have another few lines describing what you think the afterlive will look and feel like!
Could it just be a comforting lie?
I’ll just disappear into nowhere, I shivered.I do not like "I shivered" here. It makes it sound too much like a story. Plus, it makes the line longer than the rest, adding an awkwrard touch.
Why must we be tortured like this?


An inexplicable fear takes over.
A ghastly symphony plays in my mind.I really like this line, don't change it to matter what anyone says
I’m left to think as I pass the corpse,Alright, so you already used corpse. Try, instead of saying corpse, show it! Describe what death is like to you!
Will I ever understand this mystery?So, this being the last line of your poem, I think you should put a more powerful message here. Not 'mystery,' but something greater, like phenominom.

I really only have one critique, which you've heard already-
Colorful word usage. A sprinkling of suspense. An unpredictable punch in the gut.
These are things that could improve this poem.

Also, words like "sad" are artificial and weak; try "grieving" instead.
Feel the word out before using it.

WELL,
You've been griped on about that quite enough and I'm sure you're sick of it, so I'll go now, but before I do I would like to say that I very much like the artsy way you spaced your poem.
Combining sounds and shapes is a unique and fairly new art form.
Hey, Holly Black does it! Why shouldn't you?


I'm also surprised to hear this is your first non-rhyming poem!
Keep it up, and remember: free verse is about rhythm and flow. Just let it go, man.

Great work.

PEACE,
BAB

Wow beautiful work

Thanks for your reviews people.This poem might not have come out well because it was my first attempt at non-rhyming poetry.And about that last line...i guess i added it unnecessarily.

Hey!!!!!

At first glance, your poem shape looked it was very random and had no point. And then, like Rachel, I realized that it was shiver.

I was confused by the last line too. You jump in with the "he" too suddenly, as it leaves the reader with questions about who dies, and what of the narrator? In some cases, leaving the reader hanging is good; in this, it just succeeds in making the reader confused.

I would agree with Medrol. Improve your choice of words, please.

Otherwise, I liked your poem. Your message was very simple but clear, and I just liked your poem overall.

Keep up the good work!

zOe

Hello, Young Gun.

I was going to scold you. I was going to ask why you put your poem into that ridiculous shape & what you thought it would add to the poem.

Then I realized that it is in the shape of a shiver. I feel humbled by this experience. I was too quick to judge. (I do think that you should get rid of all the periods before the last line.)

The real problem I have with this poem is that it is too obvious. In William Wordsworth's "Preface to the Lyrical Ballads" he describes his theory of poetry, which contains four parts (trust me, this is going somewhere):

1. "The principal object […] was to choose incidents and situations from common life."
2. "Describe [those incidents] in a selection of language really used by men."
3. "Throw over them a certain colouring of imagination, whereby ordinary things should be presented to the mind in an unusual way."
4. "Make these incidents and situations interesting by tracing in them the primary laws of our nature."

I think that you need work on #3. You succeed at describing an event from common life in understandable language & relating it to the human experience. But I think that the "certain colouring of imagination" is lacking. The ordinary is not presented in an unusual way. I think part of the beauty of poetry is in its half-concealing. What you have written leaves the mind with nothing unusual to marvel at or try to understand. I think you have the backbone of a great poem, but you need to make it more poetic.

Ditto to Medrol's question about the "he" at the end.

Good luck!
Rachel

i totally get what you're trying to say in your poem. We all end in death.

but who's the "he" in the end? all the time you've been using the pronoun I, then suddenly it changes to he. did the narrator die thus the use of "he"?

or is "he" the corpse? cause when you say corpse, it's the body of a dead person. so the person is already dead. He can't die again. but you've stated in the end that he dies. ( )

anyway, i get what you're saying. i think death is scary to some people practically because of the unknown. as you've said, we'll fade to non-existence. we don't know what's beyond life on earth.

1.) improve choice of words (ihave the same problem too. )

cool job. continue writing!